How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
