Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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