You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
