What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
