I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
