Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
