Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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