i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Im part way to drunk.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
