I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
