i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
