Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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