i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Who died my cat blue again?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
