When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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