i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize