I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
