your parents love me but you hate me
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
