fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
well you can't waste a boner
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
