I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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