You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize