i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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