you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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