I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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