He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
