I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
