YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
