I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
