Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
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