Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
