Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
