i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
