I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
