dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
