Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
