if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
