I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
