Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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