i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
