a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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