My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
