I puked a lego.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
