i permit you to call me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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