I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
