Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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