Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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