Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
