so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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