Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you had me at cake vodka
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
