She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
