Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize