I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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