This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
