i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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