my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Bring me that man meat
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
