I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
