if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
