My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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