We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
