I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
